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Name:Anju
Location:Purdue, University, United States

I have a need for coffee with my oxygen.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Crazy Lady

Lately, I feel like I've gone insane.
I say things I shouldn't, I get emotional when I shouldn't, I stay up late when I shouldn't and I snap, completely, at the oddest times.

First example: I had a bad day. It happens. Instead of going to bed early, I decided to take my aggression out on an innocent bystander. Indiana is racist. I hate it with a passion. And since I have an Indian boyfriend, I notice more than the average American. It maddens me beyond belief. Most of the time I go home and cry. On this day though, on my very bad day, I decided to rip into a woman on a random blog about her innocent question about Adolf Hitler. I called her an American in denial. Why would I do that? Later, when I came out of my horrible state, I in turn felt horrible. I went to her blog and posted a comment about how sorry I was.
What came over me?

Second example: I stayed up late. This isn't a big deal to a lot of people. Same with me. When I did lay down though, I laid awake and almost in panic. Every little bad thing that I have done over the 22 years of my life I suddenly thought of. It was horrible. I thought of things I hadn't thought of in years. Growing up experiences that suddenly seemed fresh in my mind like they happened yesterday. My heart pounded while I laid in bed and I finally had to call someone to calm myself. As soon as I hung up the phone the feeling came back and I had to call again.
Why would this happen?

Third example: I cried for no reason. As I drove home today, I was thinking about happy things. In a sudden rush I started crying almost uncontrollably, and I felt like I would never be happy again. If people who commit suicide feel what I felt right then, then I honestly understand suicide more. I suddenly saw Nishant out of my life, school failing, and friends turning their backs. I felt alone. Why would I feel that way?

I know this a very personal post. Enemies have your way with me. I'm very tired of life right now. I feel a fuck-up at it, and I just want to disappear for awhile.

No movies... Just sleep.

3 Comments:

Blogger Akshay said...

You didn't hurt anybodies sentiments on your post , and the only reason I didn't respond was that haloscan commenting system somehow eat up my reply and I was too lazy write a new one.You have the right opinion and in response to your comment all I going to say many a time in history groups of people have committed great unjustices against humanity but all we can do is forgive them right ?
PS - I don't think you're crazy(you're quiet nice actually) you're going through a down cycle you'll get out of it.

2:31 AM  
Blogger Phal said...

heya

second what akshay says. went through a similar time. its ok and chill. heads up, babe!

Phal.

4:49 AM  
Blogger Phal said...

Incidentally, am a double espresso at three am. Also.

5:04 AM  

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